My name is Iridescence … aka Jezebelly … I’m originally from Chicago … I lived in the south suburbs a bit … but now I’m back … When I was really young … I … definitely had beauty queen tendencies … I’ll put it that way … I used to like getting dressed in my bathing suit and walking around in plastic heels from the toy store … and things like that … I grew up with a brother and a sister … we did a lot of things … I played with dolls … I played dress up … Played video games … well … I watched my brother playing video games … and ended up playing them myself … I had an interest in sports … but when I moved to the south suburbs … I began to gain weight … and I didn’t feel comfortable in physical activities … because of kids being cruel … I also did tomboyish stuff … I would go out and play in the dirt … I guess it’s not really tomboyish stuff … I don’t like to “gender” child's activities … I played sports and things like that outside of school with friends … at the park … I also praise danced when I was a kid … By the time I was interested in taking formal dance lessons … we didn’t  really have the money … to have me take lessons … but I did praise dance through church … which was free … about once a week … and we learned some basic dance technique … ballet technique … and praise dance … I think I was eight or nine when I started this … and I did that for … some years … on and off … because there were some seasons that we didn’t do anything … I’m not religious … I’ve always felt … I don’t want to say uncomfortable … but it didn’t feel authentic to me in the religious aspect … I think what I was feeling … when I danced … was the love for dance itself … and a love for myself … more so then a connection with a spiritual being … to me … that felt more spiritual then doing this as exalting a higher figure … As I grew up … my parents have always been interested in thrifting … and my dad … antiques in particular … I feel a lot of the aesthetics of mid century style things … were kind of imprinted on me … from seeing the antiques that he would find … and sell … and seeing the antique jewelry my sister would get … I think those things were visually imprinted on me … and contributed to what I end up visually expressing now … I’ve always been interested in decorating my space as well … and just making it very personal to me … What it looked like to me when I was a kid … was unrefined and very childlike (laughter) … because I was a child … I found that I’ve revisited that self expression in the last few years … I’m revisiting a lot of things from my childhood that I was … Oh … I forgot I did this when I was a kid … and now I’m doing it again … so there’s been a lot of full circle moments … So now … It’s how I design my space at home … how I express myself through clothing … and style too … They were things I played around with as a child … and then I hit this adolescence slump … that I guess came from slowly realizing that the world was not friendly to people like me … particularly on the basis of size and race … I feel like … as kids you start out … everyone knows you start out as a clean slate … and canvas … you explore … and you take in the world with wonder … and then after so many years … you start to learn about the world … and it kind of really beats you down … I’m fortunate that I’m only in my mid twenties … and in the last few years I’ve been learning to undo a lot of what influences in the world have beaten me down … But … unfortunately … a lot of people don’t get to learn that … that soon … they take decades to even get to that point … I’m pretty fortunate there … High school … it was a mixed experience … mostly not good … I would say … because … I wrote … I did creative writing … and actually in high school … I was in a journalism class … we had access to DSLR cameras … that’s where I got my first taste with photography … because they let us take the cameras (laughter) … which we were supposed to be taking them to report on noteworthy events … and get photos … and write about them … and I was at home … taking self portraits (laughter) … because I never had access to a camera like that … I would put on jewelry … or clothes … or fix up my hair … and take photos … and  I found … even at the time … where … I was really not liberated about … the way I looked … I still explored self portraiture … and it really changed things for me … I would say … that was one of the positive notes of high school … but otherwise … I spent a lot of my high school years … um … I made friends … and I was sociable … but I … was dealing with a lot of racial micro aggressions … and a lot of internalized fat phobia … I didn’t have the words to express those feelings … It wasn’t until after high school that I learned that those weren’t just imagined things … and I also dealt with depression too … I can look back and see all of the symptoms of … that was definitely depression … feeling very lonely … feeling very hopeless … and feeling very stuck … and not really having the language to articulate those things … until I learned about them through blogging … when I was in college … So … high school was weird … but I still found moments of self expression there … and it blew up … even more … when I had the language for those things … Yes … in a good way … It’s kind of like a diagnosis … when you don’t know what’s wrong with your body … you try to figure out … what the hell is going on … you don’t have the words for it … and then you see a doctor … and … this is what’s wrong … and here is how it can be treated … and then your like … “What?” … it gives you a sense of agency and confidence … even if those things can’t be fixed right away … when you know what they are … license to do something about it … My childhood was like … “Yay” … and then it moved into … me … losing that confidence I used to have … and then … gaining that back in my adulthood … I feel the last few years is me paying homage to the little girl … that I was … and who I really need to see when I was in my adolescence … I graduated high school … and I went to community college for a few years … just because I knew it was something I should do … even though I wasn’t really sure where I wanted to take it … at the time … I was thinking I would go to art school afterward … So … I went to Prairie State College … after that … I transferred to UIC … in the city … When I started at UIC … The idea of school is a good one … but the actual practice for me … I felt too overwhelmed … I didn’t feel like … deadlines were helpful … in the creative process for me … The things that they wanted us to explore … were things that I had already explored … and I felt redundant bringing it up in class … but … I knew sometimes I would have to … in order to maintain grades and that sort of thing … and … school was just really expensive … and it was a drag to go to … and I decided that it just wasn’t for me at this point in my life … I might revisit it some years from now … if I really felt the need … but … once I dropped out … and I just started working … and I could actually afford my rent … and I could afford groceries … and afford to live … basically I felt a lot more freedom … then I did when I was in school … What led me to becoming a performer? … I did start burlesque while I was still in school … but … a couple of things led up to burlesque … again … having the experience with praise dancing … gave me performance experience in my childhood … and then … in high school … I was in theater … I did theater for two and a half to three years … I loved it … but it kind of fell prey to … the same conditions that I was struggling with … certain roles were going to people that physical looked a certain way … there was always an ideal … they weren’t really doing plays where … woman of size … and of color … were viewed as the ingenue … I remember … it’s been years since I’ve thought of this moment … I remember … this Black girl … who had a wildly good singing voice … auditioned … I think it was for the part of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz … or it was for the part of Jasmine in Aladdin … and didn’t get it … because she didn’t look the part … but clearly was … the most equipped person to play the roll … and that stuck with me … “Ok … it doesn’t matter how good of an actor you are … or how hard you really work at it … if you don’t look like what they want you to look like … it doesn’t matter” … I took that with me for years … It wasn’t until I learned more about self expression … not self expression … when I learned about racism as a system … as an institution … as well as size based discrimination … fat phobia … when I learned about those things … and they weren’t just all in my head … I realized they were coming into play … in places like that … I realized that it was important to create my own way … and space … I was approached by my now best friend … who’s a model and a performer as well … at the time … we had just known each other on the internet … this was around 2014 … this was when I was well into college … and she wanted to create a plus size burlesque group … and me … having had theater … and some minor dance experience … as well as an interest in vintage aesthetics … and it was always on a bucket list of mine … but … I didn’t see a way for myself to do it … She brought it up … and I was … “Yes … how could I have not thought of this sooner” … So we started reaching out to people who were interested in being in a plus size troop … once we got everybody together … we began working on our show … Since then … it’s been a struggle … just navigating life … and things that life throws at you … while trying to have a creative output … But … I’ve found a pretty good balance … I’ve learned to make burlesque easier … It’s still hard … and expensive … Since then … I’ve been performing a lot more regularly … The expense come in … the costumes … travel … even studio time to rehearse … I’m lucky in that I have an apartment where I have the space to rehearse … but … a lot of people don’t … The costs associated with travel and costume … I have a thing for extremely lavish costumes … For me … burlesque is a fantasy … both for the audience … and for me as a performer … I get to live a fantasy version of … it feels less like a fantasy now … because of how accessible I’ve made it in my everyday life … to just be like … fabulous (laughter) … It’s still performing a fantasy on stage … for me that fantasy is covered in jewels … and extremely luxurious … particularly on someone like me … because … it’s actually pretty common in the burlesque world … particularly the more international scene … Lot’s of rhinestones and glamour … sculpted hair … feathers and that sort of thing … Those polished images … you don’t always see on people that are fat … or are Black … It’s kind of been a mission of mine to bring that representation … for myself … and if I had seen someone that looked like me … ten years ago … I probably wouldn’t have had the self esteem issues that I did … it wouldn’t have seemed like an impossibility … you know … When I first got involved with burlesque with my friend … we had done some minor research … but … it was a learn as you go kind of thing … In some ways … I wish I had gone to classes … sooner … because … I still haven’t really taken any courses … I ended up learning a lot of things on my own … but I think I would have learned how to … make an act a lot easier … earlier on … if I had taken classes … and the way I started … a lot of people start out by taking class … and then they decide … maybe I’ll get on the stage … and then after they’ve been playing around on stage for a while … they’re like … maybe I’ll produce a show … But I started … all of that at once … I created an act … and produced a show … and that was literally my intro into burlesque … her and I producing a show … starting a troop … creating our own acts … and creating group acts together … We did it all in one shot … for where we were coming from … and for what the scope of what we did … we did a pretty good job … all things considered … But … you know … I look back on that show … and I’m like …”Yikes” … the ways that we can improve … and since then we’ve made those improvements … But … it was a very proud moment to even get that far … in the span of a couple of months … And … the community we built through that … was … just … wild and beautiful … a lot of the people that were in the troop … and a lot of the people who were watching the show … just got from it … that they were ok as they were … and that was one of the goals … was to provide that representation … I mean … a group of unapologetically fat people … on stage … getting next to naked … is just something that … at the time … you really didn’t see very frequently … and you still don’t see it as much now … although it is happening … here and there … So it’s really a powerful experience to be able to … to impact peoples lives that way … and your own as well … And the crowd response was wild … they really loved it … and … there’s always the cheers … and that sort of thing which people tend to cheer you on anyway … because they’re supporting the show … But I would say … the crowd response that was really moving … was the messages we would get from people … which this has happened for most of our shows … well all of our shows since then … people afterwards reaching out … and they’re like … “I’ve always wanted to do this … but I never thought that I could … because of the way that I look … and now I’m taking the steps to do that … or now I bought lingerie for the first time” … or … “I took my mom to see your show … and she never saw anybody that looked like her on stage … she was crying afterwards” … It really puts it into perspective … We’re having fun … but also … this is a service … to the world … so … As far as fairness in our society and culture … Are things improving? … It’s hard to say … because … looking back on what I was dealing with then … I was looking through the lens of someone that didn’t know … Its hard to even quantify how much I was dealing with it at the time … because I didn’t know what I didn’t know at the time … Now … I’m so fine tuned to like … This is a micro aggression … This is why you think this is a compliment … and it’s not … and I can catch it like that … take it in and filter it … and decide how I want to respond in the moment … if I want to educate this person … if I want to go off at this person … or if I just want to ignore it completely and pretend like it didn’t happen … But … when I didn’t have that … I mean … I was also perpetuating a lot of … negativity … or a lot of issues that I didn’t know at the time … were a problem myself … It’s hard to say if things have really changed all that much … or if I’m better at coping … and if I’m better at curating my emotional experience … by who I allow around me … I would say mostly … there is a cultural awareness … definitely more so now … So … things have gotten better … I don’t want to discount the strides that have been made … and the work that so many people have been doing … You find a lot of that is really when you create a bubble for yourself … because … right now … I think that awareness of social issues … and racism … and classism … and sexism … it’s popular … it’s in … it turns heads … and it sells … it’s click bait now … So … it’s hard to even say if some of the media … or some of the press it’s getting is due to the fact that people care … or … the fact that it’s sensational … I mean … progress is progress … it’s better then being pushed out of the media and no one caring … to be better about those things … It’s really hard to quantify … true … genuine progress … I know that I … feel better then I did back then … having the tools to see those issues as opposed to … being hurt … or being depressed … feeling unworthy … and not knowing that a system has contributed to this … and that it’s not all in my head … It’s better to know for me … Sometimes (laughter) … I wish I didn’t know … because you learn how fucked up things can get … Once you do reach a certain level of awareness … I’m like … “Wow … it would be nice to be completely ignorant” … but then I think about what it was like when I was ignorant … and it wasn’t bliss … As far as social media … I would say … most of work actually ends up occurring on social media … whether its my photography and modeling … or my promotion of burlesque … the amount of time that I’m actually spending making sure that my social media is together … or just seeing what other people are doing … whether it’s just curiosity … or fun … or research … takes up much more time then I actually spend on the stage … the stage is like … a few minutes … each event … so … It’s a double edge sword … If you’re not careful how you curate your social media experience … it can make you feel bad about yourself … looking at all the things that people are doing … For me … I’ve been very careful to only allow so many kinds of a certain type of person … whether that’s how they look … or what they’re doing … and it’s not a slight to them … it’s just a matter of … here’s what I’m capable of … and what I can achieve … Too much of something different can often make me feel … like I’m … inadequate … I think that’s pretty much everybody … Of course … the amount of what you can take in … varies person to person … that’s something I’m very adamant about … making sure that I’m paying attention … as well to people that look like me … It’s not just … “Oh … I see someone that looks different from me … and I’m comparing myself to them … It’s … Oh … I see someone who looks different from me” … and this is also what most of the advertising … for the clothing industry … makeup industry … anything to do with beauty and style … are telling me I should also look like … It would be nice if we lived in a world where we could look at everybody and there was no attribution … of worth … to someone of a specific color or size … or level of beauty … but the fact of the matter is that beauty privilege … and white privilege … and thin privilege … are real things … You can’t really navigate social media without taking those things into consideration … if you want it to be a healthy experience … I’ve tried to be … a beacon of hope for people like me … that glamour is not … it’s not exclusive … to size or color … and things like that … It’s achievable … despite those things … and often because of those things … But … I know that I come from … the privilege of being very beautiful … I’ve had people tell me … I want to feel confident about my size … but I don’t look like you … It’s hard to navigate that … and I want to tell them … your worth is not based on whether your beautiful or not … That’s an idealistic way to look at things … it’s not always how things play out in actual practice … As far as what platforms that I use most … most fitting for me … Instagram and Tumbler … I go between the two … but they’re not perfect … with the FOSTA CESTA ban … there’s been a lot of cracking down on sex workers … and sex worker adjacent people … or anybody showing a certain amount of skin … Instagram is actively censoring a lot of people that I know … they have an algorithm that will take down photos of people with a certain amount of skin showing … and the bigger you are … the more likely they’re going to take photos down … It really sucks … for a person like me navigating the burlesque world … I’ve not had any issues with my posts on Instagram … but I also keep my posts … I don’t post photos where I’m showing a whole lot frequently … The photos I’ve posted on Instagram … technically in my underwear … have been very classic underwear … it’s not like a bikini … That’s worked out for me … as far as censorship goes … with Instagram … but mostly that was just due to … me … hoping to avoid … harassment where I could … from men in particular … If I had it my way … if we lived in a perfect world … where your job security … and your safety … your actual physical safety were not threatened by … what you posted online … I’m pretty sure I would have posted nudes a long time ago … So … it’s not even a matter of being prude … it’s just a matter of … covering my bases … Thankfully … I’ve not really been … subject to that … but I see it in so many  of the other people … that I know operating on those platforms … Not a week goes by … at this point … not a day goes by where I don’t see someone with a caption that says … “Lets see how long this one lasts” … even though the posts meet the guidelines … And then … not effecting the accounts run by men … that have stolen other peoples work … and then just posting it … The amount of people doing messy stuff on Instagram … that’s malicious … versus the amount of burlesque performers that are just feeling themselves … it’s their body … it’s their work … and still getting reported and taken down … it’s just wild … and sad … But there’s not really another platform that has the same amount of people … and the same amount of features … and the same easy interface … people have tried … but it’s … Instagram … if it wasn’t for the censorship … and the BS in that area … it would be a really great platform … The same with Tumbler … Tumbler is very different and interesting … Tumbler seems to blur out things they deem … inappropriate … but Tumbler … I don’t think … deletes peoples accounts … where Instagram has been known to delete peoples accounts … which really sucks … What do I see happening in my foreseeable future? … I … I see myself … I know I’m workin on producing a show … that I hope to have in February … I hope it’s a show that I do once or twice a year … once I see how this first one goes … I don’t have the money for it (laughter) …We’re going to do it on credit … and hope it works out … But I’m not rich … I’m very much in debt … in a lot of ways … (laughter) … and I’m currently jobless … I have gigs here and there … but I’ve just been living off of savings … so … this is a real financial risk to be taking at this time … But we’ll see what happens … I’ve kind of reached the point where I just say fuck it … I want to have my dream show … and we’re going to figure it out … and hope that people show up … and that I can keep doing the thing … because … I do like performing … and being in shows … I’m the producer of our troop … and I obviously have a lot of say in who gets to be in the shows … It’s a little bit more exclusive … and more inclusive … in a lot of ways … we only do plus size people for our troop shows … but we are not very specific on the style that people need to bring to the show … as long as it’s a polished act … Me … on a personal level … this show that I want to do … it’s open to people of all sizes … but I want it to be very specific in the style of acts that they bring … and so I’m excited to see that happen … And … the next year … I want to travel more … and do some more festivals … This was the first year that I really put myself out there … as far as festivals and traveling … for burlesque … and actually submitting to things … I had to tell myself that … people weren’t just going to find me out on merit … because of how good I thought I was … I actually had to put myself out there … and reach out … and submit to things … and I started doing that … and most of the time it’s been successful … and the times it wasn’t I didn’t take it as a slight against me … it just was what it was … I’m excited to continue that … and produce more … and just make everything pretty and glamorous …